After years of recovery, healing, deliverance and Joy building, part of me wants there to be an end of the suffering. I don’t fear suffering but I don’t like it. I always come out freer than when I started but I still don’t like it. I think about my youth as a care free time and long to return to that myth. I suppose when I come to the lord like a child I am to leave my stuff behind an be with Him. Actually, as I think about it they disappear when I am with Him.  I fight to believe I am OK when I am alone. I have to push arrogance and self-pity away from my heart when I am with other people. But then this miracle of His heart shows up in me when I am around someone Abba wants to minister to. They respond to Him in me and I have total unawareness of my sin. It’s just me and Him ministering to someone He wants to speak too. He arranges the time and place and the love comes from a place I have no control. It must be what heaven is like.

[I wrote this on 1/21/17, but it seems appropriate today]