Though I've been steadily more active in the last two years, it is only recently that I feel more connected to the the big picture.
I have experienced a new 'normal' over time in my recovery from my injuries in 2011. Such books as: Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, & Eager to Love: The Alternative Way of Francis of Assis, both by Richard Rohr, have given me inspiriation & encouragement to speak about it. As well as a few remarkable close friends who have prayed with me & for me, visited me, shared wisdom, & occasionally gave me a kick in the rear to move on when I got stuck on something-an old habit when thinking too much.
Pain has been a constant companion, overwhelming and broad, like giant brushstrokes of gray that mask portions of my landscapes both externally & internally. I was bereft of the emotional capacity to speak well of the processes of change. Rather than be confusing I remained in solitude, focusing my energies in partnering with my best friend & husband in doing two stages of a major remodel to our home. My work as Project Manager was fueled by what often felt like gremlins of frustration. With a new level of disability (in the use of my left hand & arm) I needed to find ways to accomplish something, anything! That, right there, tells you of the deconstruction of my life that Abba allowed. My injuries wrecked my sarc sense of knowing what I could do/accomplish in a day of hard work. I am a farm girl after all, with satisfaction for a day's work as part of my identity.
Personal inventory taking is also part of my identity, an important skill gained in my recovery since 1986 from my addictions to alcohol & pot. Through learning how to take my inventory I discovered that I was not, after all, constitutionally incapable of honesty, a huge relief! Yet, I realized that seeing clearly how I behaved, thought, felt, & lived, then what I did with all that, would take seriously concentrated effort until it became a healthy habit. The ability to take one's personal inventory is a major power tool in living well. And, like the habit of JOY, has to be exercised & will expand/grow over one's life. How awesome it is!
Working for a few years on a major home remodel reveals all kinds of one's abilities & weaknesses, while requiring daily, sometimes hourly, inventory taking. Now that we are living with the job about 98% finished I breath a sigh of satisfaction every step through our home. I learned fairly quickly how different my left hand, arm, side works. I had to be in a state of dual listening to my Helper (the Holy Spirit) & my left brain (my onboard computer library) to patiently fine-tune how to tackle the various tasks that were mine: house-cabinet-layout design; project managing (including researching, locating, & buying materials) the painting in the interior & exterior.
Today, enjoying every aspect of what we have accomplished here, I am able to start writing out what I have learned in these past few years. Though I was willing to live quietly in the background my voice has found it's new place. A new adventure is rising, actually began some months ago as I was moved into more action, activity in our community. We are doing ministry again: prayer healing; mentoring; teaching. Getting reaquainted with old friends, delving deeper into intimacy with them, a life-giving surprise.
When I used to play pool regularly, as well as when I was active as a musician, when we all got into a place of syncronized bliss, we said we were, "in the pocket." Additional expressions that define that are: in the groove; humming on all fours; in the zone. It meant everything was in a perfect balance. We knew it wouldn't last, but we enjoyed it, our beings bathed in dopamine: Joy Abounding!
In this season I am experiencing this state more constantly than I thought possible. Borrowing from Chester Kylstra, I am in the Glory Zone.
Cynthia