photo by Josh Hild
Did you know? All of us have a mechanism in our brains that when life is too overwhelming it starts screaming, "MAKE IT STOP!"
By now most of us in this Shelter in Place reality have had at least ½ dozen times when you thought you would tear out your hair, or throw a chair, or throw your underwear (sounds like a Dr Seuss story 😂), oh these things we cannot bear. I know I have felt this way, even with having effective tools for dealing with big feelings. I also know some things that I will help you, they help me. First I’ll talk about just stopping whatever you are doing. Then I’ll share yow to recognize when your brain is screaming, "MAKE IT STOP!" There are better choices. Finally, for those who want to know more, I'll attach a document ("MAKE IT STOP!") that you can click on to open that will give you the basics of the four levels of our brains and how they work.
First: When I hear my "MAKE IT STOP!" I literally stop talking and doing whatever I am doing. I sit down, lie down, fall down and breathe (as in the techniques written about in the former post, "Breathe." And I don't try to engage with others until I am calm and my brain says it's OK to reconnect with people I love (this is a way to protect others from me). I start to engage when I feel OK, and when I can say kind words again.
Why STOP? Ok, let's get real here. Can you be honest in answering that question? How did it go when you kept on after your brain was screaming "MAKE IT STOP!"???? Did you speak with a calm, loving tone in your voice? or were you Sarcastic, like"What's wrong with you, are you too stupid to get what I am saying to you?!" If you caught your face in the mirror, or reflected in the glass oven door would your face look like Satan moved in? How does that look to a 5-year old? Or to the spouse with whom you shared your wedding vows? or a Sister, Brother, Mother, Father?
By The way: if you are posting sarcastic, negative, criticism on Face Book, including re-posting negative, critical articles or declarations, you ARE doing the same thing: speaking out of overwhelm when you should be shutting your mouth and working through stress that has your brain in "MAKE IT STOP" mode. When you are in your right mind you can think in terms of appreciation for others. If you cannot find anything to appreciate it’s a indicator you need a time-out.
Second: Sometimes, it takes seeing the results of my brain's overwhelm before I realize I am overwhelmed. What are common signs: yelling, cursing, crying, silent treatment, slamming doors, throwing things, running away, hiding, gestures (you know, the finger, or my favorite-the fist-swing up from the elbow (I think it translates: up yours).
Often, the first person to know you are overwhelmed is the one receiving the consequences of your behavior, most often your wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, child, family member, or a friend. When you "lose it," you have just stepped into enemy mode, you have gone on attack. There are several likely reactions going on in you and in those on the receiving end of your overwhelm: fear, flight, or fight. Escalation often occurs, in fact, for most people escalation will occur, which means overwhelm for everyone. Most often things do not go well from there.
Better choices: As I comment above in First, as soon as you hear, see, feel someone getting overwhelmed (including yourself), STOP talking, get quiet, listen, breathe (read previous post: breathe).
This next thing is really, really important, so read-up (listen-up!): The deepest pain a human being feels is disconnection from relationship. Did you get that? Science, and a million poems, songs, movies about lost relationship, has proven the biggest hurt you and I feel is the loss of connection with someone you care about, who is supposed to care about you. Our need for love, affection, kindness, honor is HUGE!!!! So, when we fight and then reject one another we experience intolerable pain. Talk about what might overwhelm your brain! At the same time the major responses to rejection is blame and anger or run away (the fear, flight, or fight reaction). When each person acts out in escalating anger and blame the situation flies into chaos.
Please Stop: Breathe, lie down, rest, let go and let God, take a time-out (whatever works for you). Peace and calm must be restored. In our small, contained spaces you will have to work on this, or chaos will happen.
Practice Good Outcomes, like . . . after you all take a time out, go breath, etc. come back together and start a conversation, such as: "Wow, I got overwhelmed and forgot who I was and how much I love you guys. I am sorry." If you feel like you are justified, let it go, be the big person who forgives and lets go. You can also say, " I said . . . to you, I am sorry, I love you and do not want to say those things to you." It is very powerful when you ask for forgiveness, but don't demand it on the spot. And, if you can give forgiveness when someone confesses they spoke badly to you or acted unkind, do it. In your group gather around the one who is hurting and share what you love or appreciate about them. Make that a habit that you all share as needed. It will make your day brighter and warmer
LET IT BE OK IF THE PERSON NEEDS TO VENT, SOMETIMES THEY WILL SPILL OUT THE EMOTION OF BEING REJECTED - HURT, EVEN CRY, AND TELL YOU HOW AWFUL IT WAS TO HEAR YOU CALLING THEM NAMES OR YELLING AT THEM. Let it be OK for them to vent without taking it personal (breathe). Remember people, as adults we are responsible for our own feelings regardless of what anyone says to you or about you. [If you don't agree with that let's talk about it, there are skills to learn that will help you be solid in your identity no matter what anyone else does.]
Perhaps you all need a time-out where you go off to your separate spaces to recovery your identity. Consider that it is best if you set a time to come back together in peace to help one another return to calm and peace. Be willing to return to joy, to being courteous, to love and care for one another. If you can get outside to throw a ball, or play hop-scotch, or sit on the porch and read, or just be. Preparing a meal together helps, then share what you appreciate about each other during the meal, or favorite memories, your favorite things you can't wait to do with others when this Shelter In Place time is over. Then watch a movie together, like Inside Out. Make it safe to be together. You can make a new habit of how to get back together after a tough moment. We are in a situation to learn new habits that will give us the emotional capacity to go through this separation in healthy ways.
Ok, for those who want to know more about the four levels of the brain: "MAKE IT STOP!