. . . how loved you are . . . do you know?
I find that question coming up, in these quiet hours, where I feel like I am in a waiting room, by myself, wondering, “Where is everyone?” Then I remember, “Oh yeah, the virus, lockdown.” I know better, but fear runs a chill down my neck. Shutting my eyes, I tell Jesus, “I feel scared.” Following the feeling backward, memory takes me to the woods when I was about 7. I am lying on mossy, pine needly ground, pressed under the curve of a huge rotting log. Tears stream, my heart feels broken. I feel hopeless and want to disappear. Jesus is squatting on the ground offering me his hand. His eyes convey love so deep I am drawn in. In my mind I hear him, “I know you feel afraid, come to me?” I reach out my hand, so small I am surprised. He takes it and gently pulls me to him. Sitting down on the forest floor he pulls me into his lap, holds me gently, but firmly against his chest. I cry and cry. I feel tears fall onto my shirt and time is mixed between then and now, and Jesus holds me, conveying love that permeates my whole being.
Yes, I KNOW Jesus loves me, and still . . . with tender kindness He always, always comes to remind me in ways that are specific to my need. In the knowing he fills my understanding that once I gave my life to be with him . . . well, I became a part of all that was finished. He won, He wins, and the more close I am in living relationship with him the more all questions are answered, all strife put away, creativity flourishes. I continue to learn that making more room for him to inhabit gives me more of my true self, joy rises with an endless supply for the rest of eternity.
In these quiet hours, when cries rise in fear of the unknown that pings on my mean history, He reaches out his hand, his heart, his wisdom, all in supernatural abundance, and heals another wound brought up in current pain. He knows healing works well in the middle of suffering. I have had many laser love surgeries from Jesus over years. He leaves no scar, brings in more light, releases more love. In Him I am fearless and forgiven.
Oh yeah, I KNOW.