Though depression and doubt were my companions in my early life I have had years with little of this kind of interference. However, occasionally life triggers the past & old habits rise up. This is a description of one of those moments. It started with a sense of loss of my identity while thinking of the vastness & majesty of God. A thought came, "What is it that I can do that would inform anyone about YOU?" I asked this with incredulity that I would have any power to convey a picture of God that would inspire one person's mind. Doubt settled around me like a storm cloud.
I hear . . . "Then you deny me?" Hmm, I want to know what my thinking is, &, do I believe what I'm thinking? "Perhaps you are not yet mature enough to understand how I work?"
I sit quietly, feelings wash over me, such as sadness and frustration with myself. I take a few deep breaths and clear my mind of self-talk & thoughts and concentrate on My Father. I ask for him to look into me & let me see what he's seeing. I want to know what he knows.
After a few moments of quiet I see that when I choose to suspend my disbelief (historical lies and bad, habitual self-evaluation-sarc) he merges with me and does such things as: gives, guides, opens, loves, catalyzes, inspires, comforts, engages, prophesizes. When this occurs he flows easily through me, with just the right gift at the right time in the right portion that brings in a fullness to a heart, mind, spirit that is ready, including mine. Astounding moments, so gently and easily unfolding it is easy for me to miss them, except for my habit to be purposeful in emptying myself. When the flow begins I am still focused on being an open, clean/clear window, desperate to release & get out of God's way for him to meet with the person near me with his eternal, unconditional loving knowledge that will move them into his light, forever changing their lives.
The process of relating/relationship is the declaration of God, the living Word in action. When I look in their eyes from his eyes, seeing them as he sees them, that is the declaration of Jesus, his heart to theirs, the Holy Spirit speaking to their Spirit, all activating God's DNA, sparking the fire of life into their cells. This is not religion.
Now I feel shame, not the crippling, toxic shame that cuts me off from life, but a genuine acknowledgment that the very human part of me still finds some relief in believing lies that render me unmotivated to step out. It seems easier to keep walking, head down, ducking his tug to be ready. Yeah, the suck of life in idolatry—loving myself and what I want more than to yield, surrender and to acknowledge there is a power that is perfecting everything, ongoing, right now, and I am called to step into that process, Right Now.
The idea of my not having value is a ruse, creating excuses to avoid the obedience of the now. I appreciate the kindness of Abba in his relentless ignition to the fire of his DNA. He is making me the little engine that could, (I think I can, I think I can).
My continuous prayers about this go something like this . . . "Lord, Jesus, friend, Abba Father, and you, Holy Spirit, I am grateful for your kindnesses and patience as you lead, teach, grow me into the mature woman you intended, for restoring my original design, transforming me into the likeness of Jesus, yet with my own imprint directly from your heart. Thank you for your kindness in accepting me just as I am, ever pulling me forward in your living water, your river of life that washes over me, re-baptizing me anew at each juncture of revelation. When you bring me into a sharpened awareness of your supernatural activity, and I am infused with wonder, knowing rests upon me in fullness, inspiring my emptiness to make more room for you. More, Lord, friend, Father, more, and Thank You. I believe the day, hour, moment will come that Being is everything and everything else is released as I set myself like fint on you with no turning away.